We’ve all been there. That horrible feeling that I’m not good enough or not slim enough or not smart enough – all the not enough’s!. Whether it’s at work, in our relationships, or just looking in the mirror, the “not good enough” thought can be a persistent and also constant and an unwelcome guest in our minds. While many factors appear to contribute to these thoughts and feelings, it is in fact the EGO or the voice in our heads that is at the root of these negative and critical thoughts, which then turn into the feeling of not being worthy.
Now, the ego isn’t inherently bad. In fact it’s not inherent at all! This is because we are not our thoughts! OMG that seems a lot to get your head around doesn’t it? So who am I if I’m not my thoughts? I am the thing that is aware of the thoughts. I call this my essential self but some refer to it as spirit or soul or the divine, choose a word that you feel comfortable with.
However, when the ego becomes overly dominant, it can create a breeding ground for insecurity and self-doubt. Let’s take a look at some examples:
1. The Ego’s Relentless Need for Validation: The ego thrives on external validation. It constantly seeks approval and recognition from others to reinforce its sense of self-worth. This can lead to a relentless pursuit of achievements, possessions, and social status, all in an attempt to prove your worth. The problem is, this validation is fleeting. It’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom – you might feel good for a moment, but the feeling quickly dissipates, leaving you wanting more.
2. The Ego’s Love of Comparison: The ego is constantly comparing itself to others, their successes, their looks, their relationships – and inevitably it usually leaves you feeling lacking. This creates a cycle of self-criticism and judgment, reinforcing the feeling that I’m not good enough. Social media, with its curated highlight reels of everyone else’s “perfect” lives, can make this feel even more extreme.
3. The Ego’s Fear of Vulnerability: The ego is deeply afraid of vulnerability. It sees vulnerability as weakness and constantly tries to protect you from potential pain and rejection. This can lead to you putting on a facade, pretending to be someone you’re not, in an attempt to avoid judgment. But this inauthenticity only deepens the feeling of inadequacy, as you are not being true to yourself.
4. The Ego’s Attachment to the Past and Future: The ego tends to dwell on past mistakes and worry about future uncertainties. It replays past failures in your mind, reinforcing feelings of regret and shame. It also projects into the future, imagining all the things that could go wrong, fuelling anxiety and fear. This constant focus on what was or what might be prevents you from being present in the moment and appreciating our worth in the here and now.
So, what can you do about it?
The key is to become more aware of the ego’s ruminations, which is its constant over thinking. Start noticing when its complaining or comparing itself to others, and seeking external validation, or dwelling on the past or future. Here are a few strategies to help you dissipate your ego and cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth:
1 Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your imperfections and forgive yourself for your mistakes.
2 Focus on Internal Validation: Shift your focus from seeking external approval to cultivating self-acceptance and self-love. Recognise your own strengths and accomplishments, and celebrate your progress.
3 Embrace Vulnerability: Allow yourself to be seen and known for who you truly are, flaws and all. Vulnerability can be scary, but it’s also where true connection and intimacy reside.
Practice Mindfulness: Bring your attention to the present moment. This helps to quiet the ego’s chatter and allows you to appreciate the beauty and wonder of the here and now.
4 Challenge Negative Thoughts: When you notice your ego engaging in self-criticism or comparison, challenge those thoughts. Are they really true? What evidence supports them? Often, you’ll find that these negative thoughts are simply stories your ego is telling you.
Being aware of the ego is a lifelong journey, but it’s a journey worth taking. Imagine a life free from the constant chatter of self-doubt and criticism. It’s possible. Learn more about how working with me can help you quiet your ego, cultivate self-compassion, and finally find peace within. Check out my services page here and see if I can help you.